


Welcome! Everything is fine.

by limit_breaker



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - The Good Place (TV) Fusion, Awkward Romance, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-10-27 06:49:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17761865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/limit_breaker/pseuds/limit_breaker
Summary: Having died in the fiery explosion of Starkiller Base, Kylo Ren wakes up to find himself designated a special spot in the utopian afterlife, The Good Place. While things may initially seem all well and good, the more his memories start to come back to him, the more he starts to wonder if indeed something is seriously wrong and perhaps he doesn't really belong in The Good Place after all...





	1. Welcome!

**Author's Note:**

> I only started watching this show recently and I loved it and then suddenly I had binged the entire thing in 2 days. Woops. Then I made it a SW AU because of course I did! (And because I couldn't find any already written? :( And because now I miss the show) Only very loosely based on the show's premise, contains some similar absurdist humor (sometimes bordering on crack, but there's something resembling a plot here too? lol). Also might contain mild spoilers for the show's bigger plot points(?), but this isn't a one-to-one correlation to the show by any means. Tags and rating may change later. Project may become abandoned later, too.. haha who even knows with me.

=

 

Kylo Ren wakes up with a start, heart pounding wildly in his heaving chest. He has a white-knuckled grip on the arms of the chair he's found himself in, all but ready to pounce at the slightest provocation.

He whips his head around, taking in his surrounding environment. He recognizes none of this. His attempts to reach out with the Force feel dulled, the way they might after a night of binge drinking, but he can't remember actually drinking last night, which... is occasionally a sign of over-drinking in and of itself, but this doesn't feel like that. This feels like something else entirely. But, he notes as he attempts to cool his breathing, he doesn't seem to be in any immediate danger. He's not actually tied down to this chair, he's not in any sort of physical pain, and the only other being in this apparent office room is a small orange-skinned humanoid with giant spectacles who seems to be watching him patiently as he orientates himself.

"What is this? Where I am?" He demands.

The stranger smiles kindly at him. "You can relax, you're in The Good Place now."

Kylo grits his teeth and stands abruptly. "What is that supposed to mean? Where is my ship? Where are the others? Where is... what happened to..." his thoughts keep bubbling up and floating away from him before he can pin them down properly. He has the distinct feeling that he's forgetting something of critical importance. Like, how exactly he got here and why.

"It's all right," the tiny stranger tells him calmly. "Sit back down. My name is Maz. You probably have a lot of questions right now, and I'm here to help you answer them."

Kylo presses his lips together. He doesn't know what's going on yet, but he won't give this... whatever she is... _Maz_ the satisfaction of knowing how lost he is. He will make her tell him. Putting on his best scowl, he reaches out with his mind and... nothing happens. He blinks twice to refocus and tries again to pry into her head, this time extending his hand. Again, he fails. He's been cut off from the Force.

"You'll get some of your powers back eventually," she says, giving him a sympathetic frown when she realizes what he's doing. "As well as your memory. But for now, try not to overexert yourself. You've had a long journey."

"Journey? Journey to where? Where am I?" Kylo demands again, hating this more by each passing second. He could easily overpower her even without the Force, but that wouldn't answer any of the infinite questions running through his mind or really serve to do anything more than add more problems at present. It doesn't mean he's not still entertaining the idea, however. He's something of an expert at creating more problems, after all.

Infuriatingly, Maz's smile shows no signs of fading even as Kylo imagines all of the ways he could destroy her and her entire spotless office. "You're dead; this is the Afterlife," she tells him.

Kylo stares blankly at her and an uncomfortable silence descends as he tries to process this.

"Now I know that might sound like kind of a bummer, but I've got some news that may cheer you up," she announces brightly. "You were such an outstanding person, you made it to The Good Place! Isn't that nice?"

Now Kylo is _really_ confused. He desperately wishes he still had his mask because he's sure his face is a dead giveaway for how absolutely _wrong_ everything feels right now.

In what can only be described as a stroke of blind luck, Maz does not seem to notice as she continues onward while he collapses back into the chair. "You might feel a little... hungover, almost. Like your memories aren't all there?"

Kylo swallows and goes along with it, nodding. She's not wrong on this account, anyway.

"That's to be expected," she says. "They'll all come back in time. Just give it a few days. Death commonly causes one's mind and body to enter a state of shock. It's normal during this transitional period, and, I assure you: it is temporary. In the meantime, you might feel anxious, even agitated, though I'm certain you were never like that back in the mortal realm!"

Incredibly, just as Kylo starts wishing he had some water for his suddenly-dry mouth, a full glass appears in his hand. He gulps it down immediately.

"Tell me, now, can you remember anything about your death?"

Kylo rubs the back of his palm across his lips and gives the question serious thought. He... can't, actually. He remembers... cold. Snow? A forest? What was he doing there? Wasn't he supposed to be doing something else? He remembers thinking whatever he was doing was far more important than whatever he was _supposed_ to be doing, but now suddenly, his mind is drawing a blank on what either of those things were. "No," he responds, finally. "I don't."

"Ah," Maz nods sagely. "That's quite all right. I could tell you, but I think it would be better to let you try to remember it on your own. You have all the time in the multiverse, now! Anyway, you probably remember more about the virtually _uncountable_ selfless acts of your life," she says, pulling up a giant spreadsheet with various numbers on a holoprojector between them. "I say 'virtually' uncountable because, of course, we can, and did, count them. This here is a history of every deed you ever did back in your mortal life. You were quite a remarkable figure! Random acts of kindness, fighting totalitarianism and injustice, donations to charity, saving orphans, and above all was your highly commendable dedication to the ways of the Jedi. Between you and me, I believe that's what really sealed your fate."

The _Jedi_? Kylo's lips twitch with the urge to tell her how wrong she is about all of this. He might not remember his immediate past, but he remembers enough to know that whomever's file she's reading isn't his at all. In fact, it sounds like the anti-him. He's almost insulted that she thinks so highly of him when he worked his entire life to be as _fucking terrible_ as possible. He defected from the Jedi Order, he slaughtered his former classmates. He was on a mission to make the Jedi  _extinct_. He... did something else that he knows was horrific even though he can't quite remember what it was at the moment. But just as he's about to open his mouth to tell her exactly how wrong she is, a harrowing thought crosses his mind: if this is The Good Place, is there also a... Bad Place? And if there is, should he really be there instead of here?

He works his jaw as he considers asking this aloud. Maz continues flicking through holofiles detailing his apparently spotless life history and Kylo's eyes scan the room, looking for any possible clues.

"You seem troubled," Maz notes, adjusting her ridiculous spectacles to make her big eyes look even bigger. "Is there something wrong?"

Kylo opens his mouth, shuts it again, trying to decide how to proceed. "Am I... a Force ghost?" He ventures.

"Not quite," Maz says, sitting back. "Not like ones you may have heard of before, anyway. We had to impose restrictions on those, they tend to... complicate things down on the mortal world, always trying to 'give advice' from beyond the grave. Makes the Accountants' jobs very difficult. The dead are now strictly confined to their lives in the Afterlife, no more mucking about with the living!"

He's still not quite sure he understands, but he nods anyway. "So this is where Force-users end up now?"

"Hm, some of them. And some Force-nulls, too. You don't have to be Force-sensitive to get into The Good Place, you just have to be a good person. And your commitment to serving the Light during your mortal life really worked in your favor here."

Kylo frowns, not liking where this is going. "Is... my grandfather here, too?" He asks, partly to change the subject from himself, and partly because he's desperately hoping, for several reasons, the answer will be yes.

"Darth Vader?" Maz laughs. "Surely you must be joking." When she realizes that he was not, in fact, joking, she attempts to modify her tone. "I know people like to believe he was redeemed by throwing Emperor Palpatine into the abyss, leading to the downfall of the Empire, but I'm afraid one brave act of good is hardly enough to balance the lifetime of evil that came before."

"Darth Vader was misunderstood!" Kylo snaps before he can stop himself. He's about to launch into his anti-Jedi tirade when he remembers his current, precarious situation.

Maz smiles gently. "That's so like you, to want to see the good in everyone. I knew we were right in bringing you here."

Kylo's lips twitch with the impulse to correct her again. "So there is a different place," he says instead, anxiety churning his stomach. "A place that's not The Good Place."

"Oh, yes," Maz says, gravely. "The Bad Place. You're quite lucky you didn't end up there, suffering for all eternity. It's a non-stop barrage of torture, specifically designed with your worst fears and anxieties in mind. Endless hours of pain and misery! Suffering and anguish. Wouldn't at all be fitting for someone of your high moral character, now would it?"

Kylo quickly shakes his head.

"Right. Now, would you like to see the neighborhood and where you'll be spending the rest of eternity?"

He swallows and nods silently.

"All right, let's go outside!"

He trails after her as she rises from her desk and approaches the doors. A warm, comforting breeze hits him as Maz pushes them open to reveal the outside world in this strange new reality.

A brilliant rainbow crosses the nearly cloudless sky, the air feels fresh and pure. The grass is a vibrant, lively green, contrasting the vivid reds, blues, and purples of the various flowers planted beside each of the adorable buildings that line the pristine cobbled streets. A soft and pleasant musical tune fills the air. In all his life, Kylo Ren has never seen such a beautiful landscape on any of the planets he's ever visited... or subjugated.

Maz smiles warmly. "Welcome, Ben Solo. To the Good Place."

 


	2. Some things are not fine.

=

 

Kylo blinks, falters. Did he... did he hear her right? Surely she didn't just call him...

"Come on now!" Maz says, oblivious to his obvious discomfort, and ushers him onward, down the road and to what appears to be a modest cottage at the end of a cheery lane.

"This is your new house!" She says as they come upon the building. "Welcome home, Ben Solo!"

He definitely heard her right this time. Ben Solo. She thinks he's still Ben Solo. His merit-counter or whatever she'd called it (he hadn't really been listening) must have stopped counting when he stopped being Ben. That would explain why he's here, in The Good Place, despite that whole slaughter of younglings and padawans thing, not to mention countless other crimes committed later on behalf of the First Order.  _The First Order!_ A memory snaps back into place: his allegiance was with the First Order. He'd been doing something for them when he died. This seems important, although also like something he should keep to himself for the time being.

Maz throws open the door and marches in, welcoming him to his new life in never-ending paradise.

Kylo wants to laugh, hysterically, at this brilliant stroke of fortune. He can't believe his luck. He knew killing Ben was the right thing to do, but he had no idea exactly how well it would pay off. He almost wishes he could go back to the living world just to rub it in everyone's stupid faces. For now, however, he has to play along, lest he be found out. The last thing he needs is for Maz to realize what's happened here and check the files for Kylo Ren instead. Surely Kylo Ren would be destined for eternal damnation by her records, not this life of eternal happiness. But Ben Solo...

He goes after Maz, continuing to only half-listen as she jabbers away about how every last detail in his home has been specifically designed just for him. Entering the room behind her, his initial impressions lend credit to his working theory that the accounting system stopped functioning for him when he defected from his uncle's temple. The first thing he notices is a large floor-to-ceiling bookshelf packed with all sorts of ancient tomes.

"Here is every Jedi text ever written, all stocked in your library for you to peruse at your leisure!" Maz says brightly. "I know you spent your entire life dedicated to the religion, so I thought it would bring you a sense of peace and comfort to have these here with you at your home. As you can see, the rest of the place is rather modest, as I know you Jedi-types are."

Being surrounded by these trinkets from his earlier life is annoying, to be sure, almost an insult, really, but it's a small price to pay for an eternity in stolen paradise, he supposes. He swallows thickly and nods. While he's not particularly keen to go back to assuming his old identity in any capacity, he is excited at the idea that he's getting away with such a grand farce. That is, until he lays his eyes upon a giant portrait framed and hanging prominently in his new living room. A portrait of his uncle, Luke Skywalker.

Kylo's jaw drops, his mouth hangs open dumbly. He can feel the blood draining from his face as he looks up into his uncle's bright blue acrylic eyes, which seem to be seeing right though him as if the real Skywalker is here in his living room, judging him as he always did when Ben was a padawan.

"You like it?" Maz asks cheerfully. "I had it commissioned especially for you. I thought you might miss your former mentor. He was such an important figure in your life, after all. So! Here he is! Watching over you for all eternity!"

Kylo says nothing. There is nothing to say. He's mortified. He can't go back to being Ben Solo. He won't last the day like this.

"Ah, you must be simply overcome with emotion right now," Maz says, peering up at him. She removes her spectacles and rests them atop her head. "It's fine, you don't have to thank me. Everything you see here is what you deserve, anyway, you angel." She grins and Kylo feels it like a dagger in his stomach. "I've also designed it so that your neighbor in this realm was also a Jedi in the mortal world! Well, more of a padawan, I suppose, but close enough. You know, just in case you feel like... meditating together, or discussing the Force."

Kylo's blood runs cold. Another Jedi? This could be bad. Kylo himself had seen to it that the Jedi were all but exterminated. It had been his life's mission to hunt them into extinction. He feels panic blooming in his chest when suddenly, there's a knock on the door. He reaches for his lightsaber, but it's not there.

Before Kylo can tell her otherwise, Maz strides over to the door and throws it open, happily welcoming in a young woman with brown hair pulled up in three buns. She's accompanied by a young man roughly the same age who looks around anxiously, perhaps just as uncomfortable with this whole set up as Kylo himself. Kylo relaxes slightly: strangers. Or... are they? Something tells him he should recognize these people. He can't place them, but they seem... familiar, somehow.

"Rey and Finn!" Maz exclaims, "Come meet your new neighbour!"

Neither of those names ring a bell in Kylo's head, but the two grin warmly and wave at him. He returns the gesture, though the smile doesn't quite form. "Rey is the other Force-user I was just telling you about," Maz says, indicating to the girl that Kylo  _swears_  he must have met somewhere before. As they shake hands, Kylo racks his brain, but his focus has been thrown off completely by that stupid picture he feels watching him even now. It's possible, Kylo realizes, that if this girl truly was a padawan, he might have murdered her. And if that is the case, he hopes he's not the only one with severe memory loss. From her pleasant disposition, though, either she also can't remember the event, or perhaps they didn't know each other after all.

For now, Kylo resolves to keep his mouth shut and keep playing the part. What he really needs to do is clear his mind, calm down, but the way Rey's companion is eyeing him isn't helping mitigate his discomfort. It feels like this man is trying to remember him. Or perhaps he can simply sense that Kylo doesn't belong here, in which case Kylo is just going to have to kill him. If that's even possible. Can you kill someone who's already dead? How do these things actually work here, anyway? And should Kylo really being thinking about committing murder in The Good Place? Surely that would be grounds for instant eviction? He makes a mental note to ask Maz about these-- theoretical-- questions later. As it is, his endless panicking is going to blow his cover before he even gets a chance to enjoy the undeserved rewards of this mistake. And he saw an ice cream stand on the way over here. He can't get kicked out before he tries the ice cream.

"This brave young man is Finn," Maz says, gesturing to the man and scattering Kylo's spiralling thoughts. "He had been a Stormtrooper in his mortal life."

"A Stormtrooper?" Kylo blurts out, unable to contain his surprise. Is it possible that members of the First Order could be granted afterlife here, too, and maybe Kylo won't necessarily be kicked out immediately once Maz learns of his allegiance? He quickly rounds on Finn. "You were with the First Order?"

"I was," Finn replies, trying to be discreet about taking a small step back, away from Kylo's sudden intensity. "Well. I had been. But I defected. And I joined the Resistance to fight against them. That's why I'm here. I think. I can't really remember all that well right now."

"Huh," Kylo says, disappointed but not surprised. So much for his one last hope. "Interesting that they would allow traitors into this place," he mutters, mostly to make himself feel better by insulting someone else.

Finn gives him a puzzled look, but before he can respond, Rey chimes in: "I'm sorry, I can't help but notice... you look awfully familiar. I know Finn and I had been acquainted before, but do you think we knew you, too, back in the mortal realm?"

Kylo turns slowly back to Rey, who's looking at him as if she'll figure it out if she just keeps staring long enough. "Oh!" She says brightly, snapping her fingers and sending Kylo's pulse skyrocketing, "You were a Jedi! Maybe we knew each other through the Force!"

He wants to bark at her and tell her that's not how the Force works, but he stops himself just before he does. The less she knows, the better. He's relieved, actually, that this was probably her best guess, as it means, firstly, that she's nowhere near as talented in the Force as he is, and secondly, that she doesn't recognize him after all. Not yet, at least.

"No, it can't be that. He looks familiar to me, too," Finn says, much to Kylo's compounding horror. "Oh! I know!"

He waits with apprehension. It's unlikely that a mere Stormtrooper would have ever seen him without his mask, but he's wearing the same form-fitting black robes he usually donned on his old ship and it's always possible he could have crossed paths with this particular turncoat on a mission somewhere.

"You were with the Resistance, too!" Finn says. "Right?"

"I, um," Kylo falters. His eyes flick to Maz, who just stands there smiling kindly at him, then up to the Force-forsaken portrait of his uncle, who seems to be mocking him still, even in this horrid painted form. "My memories are also a bit hazy right now." Technically, that isn't a lie, however; despite everything he may be forgetting, he's sure never betrayed the Order himself. "You'll have to ask me later. Or never. That works, too."

"Hmm, it seems we're all suffering a bit of memory loss," Rey says sympathetically. "I can't remember much after leaving my home planet, Jakku, either. I know I was undertaking an important mission for the Resistance-- otherwise I never would have left, but the details beyond that are vague. Maz told us they'll come back in time, we just have to be patient."

Patience. Right. Another thing that Kylo Ren is bad at.

"I don't remember much about my death," Finn says. "Just that I died fighting alongside Rey." Finn looks over at her, beaming as if that is some sort of grand romantic gesture. "For the greater good."

To Kylo's great disgust, Rey smiles back.

"You certainly did," Maz says, further fueling Kylo's desire to be sick. "Finn and Rey are soulmates!" Maz tells him, as if this is some sort of explanation for the gross way they're gazing at each other. "Aren't they wonderful?"

"Soulmates." Kylo repeats, because somehow this concept will be easier to stomach than the fact that his two neighbors are actual rays of sunshine who probably deserve to be happy here forever and are definitely going to out him as Evil as soon as they find out and get him sent down to The Bad Place where he is sure to suffer for his numerous,  _numerous_  sins unless he kills them both first, which may or may not be possible here-- he's not sure.

"Ah, yes, of course!" Maz exclaims. "How could I forget! I must introduce you to your own!"

"My own?"

"Soulmate, of course! Come, come, he lives just right across the street!"

"I have a soulmate here?"

Leaving Rey and Finn in his house alone seems unfathomable, but Kylo supposes people who have made it to The Good Place aren't generally thieves, despite the fact that traitors are apparently rewarded here, but following this train of thought will only lead to further distress, so he instead follows after Maz, only realizing after they're out the door that if he himself is here by mistake, it's possible one or both of them are, too. Oh well, he decides. Let them steal his stupid Jedi books, he doesn't want them anyway. Maybe they'll take the painting, too.

Though his legs are nearly as long as Maz is tall, Kylo has to make big strides to keep up with her quick pace as she marches him out of his cottage and across the street to another house, this one sharp and angular, done up in a very stark modern-minimalist design.

"Everyone's got a soulmate here; it's The Good Place, after all!" Maz presses the doorbell and a chime goes off. "Did you really think we would force you to spend the rest of all eternity all alone? And after having lived such a good, virtuous life? It's hard to imagine a worse torture than that!"

Kylo feels his heart start racing in his chest, though he's not sure why. Perhaps it's just the idea that he has a soulmate here in the Afterlife, someone to share eternity with after a mortal lifetime of being so relentlessly, hopelessly alone. Or the idea that he might lose this completely if he's found out. But if a Force-user and an ex-Stormtrooper didn't recognize him, he reasons, odds are he might just continue getting away with this charade after all...

"Ben Solo," Maz says just as the door begins to open. Kylo swallows. He's suddenly more terrified than ever about being discovered, right on the verge of meeting his very soulmate. The door is opening now. "Let me introduce you to your soulmate, Armitage Hux!"

Kylo looks up to find a stern-faced man with pale skin and full head of bright orange hair, slicked down tightly. Just as with Rey and Finn, the same vague feeling of having known this man hits Kylo again, though he can't place him, either. He really,  _really_  feels like he should, though.

Especially because the man's stony face falls when he sets his eyes upon Kylo, his jaw going slack with recognition.

"Oh,  _fork_."

 

=


	3. This is not going to go the way you think

=

  
It was like the world was crumbling beneath his feet, threatening to suck him down into a deep, fiery pit of despair and ruin. Hux was intimately familiar with the sensation, having just died this way not too long before his unfortunate arrival into whatever fresh hell this was.

He swore he had heard that tiny woman say this was the "Good Place". Several times, in fact; he had had her repeat it just to make sure. But how good a place could this possibly be if Kylo forking Ren was here, too? (And why can't he say fork? Fork! It's not forking working, not even in his mind.) Kylo did none of the Very Important Things Hux had done to earn his place here. In fact, just before he opened his door, Hux was convinced that his timely disposing of Ren is precisely what had landed him this spot in the Afterlife. But now Ren was _here_? Surely, this is a mistake. One he will have to take up with management. Or, he thinks with a dawning horror, what if Ren is here for revenge?

"Oh, come now, Armitage! Such language!" Maz scolds gently. "That's no way to greet your soulmate!" She turns to Ren and whispers, "Don't worry; he's not usually like that, Death can be hard on people and sometimes it just takes a couple days to adjust."

Did... did she just say his _soulmate_? No. No, absolutely not. Let Ren take his revenge. Hux would rather die. Again. A thousand times over.

"Um. Nice to... meet you," Ren says hesitantly, extending his hand.

Hux gapes at him. Meet him? Just what is Ren playing at here? Hux sneers, but this only makes Ren intensify his pout, seemingly committed to this charade. Mostly to get this over with, Hux grudgingly shakes Ren's hand. "My pleasure."

As they shake and Ren does not move to kill him, Hux allows himself to wonder if perhaps this is some alternate-universe re-imagining of Kylo Ren who just so happens to look, dress, and sound exactly like Hux's greatest rival and biggest headache, because this really IS the Good Place in which Hux so valiantly earned his place after all and this Kylo Ren will actually _listen_ to Hux and not drive him to ruin.

"Well," Maz says, grinning obliviously at them both. "I suppose you two have _so_ much to talk about, so I'll leave you to it. If you ever need anything, please, don't hesitate to let me know."

She leaves before Hux has a chance to pull her aside and ask what, exactly, the fork is going on, so instead he turns to Ren, who stands there just as obtuse in death as he was in life. If this indeed is some sort of clone of the real Ren, they've done a bloody good job at making him just as obnoxious as the one Hux knew from the _Finalizer_. Wary, but willing to take a chance, Hux says, "Would you care to step inside?"

Kylo looks around dodgily then wordlessly pushes his way in past Hux. Nope. Same forking Ren with manners abysmal as ever, Hux notes with a disgruntled huff. So much for that theory.

Ren stands awkwardly in the middle of Hux's living room, looking around, as if he's trying to decipher some ancient mystery encoded in the very walls.

"Well?" Hux says. "Care to explain yourself?"

After a long moment, Ren speaks: "You're my soulmate." He says, slowly turning to stare at Hux. "I feel like I should know you."

A million possible responses to that flit through Hux's mind, none of which seem like particularly good options at this moment without gathering more information first. "Yes. I suppose I could say the same," he replies coolly.

"You've lost your memory, too?"

Hux considers the question. Maz had told him when he arrived that temporary memory loss could occur, but he remembers everything, from the moment his First Officer informed him the shields had been lowered to the first X-Wings breaking through to the rupturing of the fuel cells, to... hm. He supposes there might be a slight gap in his memory after all. The next thing he remembers is being told he was to retrieve Kylo Ren, but who gave him that command? He suddenly can't remember his commander. That's strange. But he can remember finding Ren down in the snow and thinking what a brilliant opportunity he had just been presented with. He could murder Ren in cold blood, finally free of his infuriating presence for good, and easily write it off as a casualty of the rupturing planet. He didn't, however, anticipate dying in the process himself.

"Could I interest you in some tea?" Hux offers, changing the subject. It seems Ren really can't remember the past, and if that is the case, Hux is hoping this small offering of kindness might lead to a better start than their first meeting back in the moral world.

* * *

  
  
"Welcome aboard the _Finalizer_ ," Hux had said by way of greeting. "I command this ship, and all of the personnel aboard."  
  
"Not any more you don't."  
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"You are pardoned," Ren had responded in an infuriating sing-song tone, probably finding himself clever. "And I said, you no longer command everyone on board. I don't answer to you, and I never will. Now tell me where my quarters are. I've had a long journey and I wish to rest. Undisturbed."  
  
And it had only gotten worse from there.

* * *

  
Ren looks troubled, but nods.  
  
"Janet!" Hux says.  
  
A pleasant _bing!_  sound echos through Hux's room and the vaguely-humanoid droid Maz had said controls the mainframe of whatever bizarre reality they now occupy appears suddenly, startling Ren, who grabs for the place on his hip where his lightsaber normal hung, seemingly disappointed, or annoyed, when it's not there.  
  
"Good afternoon, sirs! I am Janet, how may I assist you?"  
  
"Tarine tea for two, please," Hux says while Ren goes on leering at the droid as if he wants to tear it to bits.  
  
"What is this?" Ren demands as the droid hands them each a steaming mug of tea.  
  
"This is tarine tea, sir. It was grown and picked fresh from--"  
  
"No, you. How did you just appear like that?"  
  
"I am Janet, human-cyborg relations. I am here to make your time in the afterlife as pleasant and easy as possible. I can provide information as well as items. Your wish is my command."  
  
"Maz didn't acquaint you with the mainframe?" Hux asks, taking his tea. Of course, it would be just like Ren to skip all introduction and stumble blindly into whatever challenge came next, wouldn't it?  
  
Ren doesn't answer immediately, just scowls into his mug. "She didn't tell me much. Only that I died, and this is the Afterlife."  
  
"This is The Good Place. You're all dead!" adds Janet cheerfully.  
  
"Thank you, Janet, you may go now." Hux says before the droid accidentally gives Ren more information than Hux wants him to have right now.  
  
"Very well, sir." The droid blinks out of existence, startling Ren yet again.  
  
"Maz told you nothing else?" Hux asks, trying to keep the hopeful eagerness out of his voice to avoid arousing suspicion. "Not... about how you died?" He sips his tea.  
  
Kylo shakes his head, his hair flopping around and over his eyes as he looks down into his teacup again.  
  
"And you don't remember... anything? Anything at all?" Hux takes a seat on the ice blue sofa centered in his living room and indicates for Ren to do the same.  
  
Ren sits at the opposite end, keeping his distance. He takes a sip of the tea and recoils. He sets the saucer down on the table and looks around the room. "My life, I remember. Well. Most of it. Some of the details are fuzzy, but I remember most things up until very recently."

"Such as?" It's almost too much to hope that Ren doesn't remember him, not how antagonistic their relationship was before, and especially not that Hux was the one who pulled the trigger that ended up dooming them both.  
  
"I... Armitage--"  
  
"Please, call me Hux."  
  
"Hux," Ren says, then pauses. "You _are_ my soulmate, right?"

Hux's stomach churns. The mere concept is most distasteful, but he's willing to see where this will lead... for now. "That's what Maz said."

"And as my soulmate, you would never do anything to betray me, right?"

Hux chokes out a weak laugh. "Betray you? What kind of question is that?"

There is another long pause, and then suddenly Ren looks up sharply at Hux. "I know what happened."

Hux tenses, swallows. Ren knows. Ren knows who he is, what he did. Ren is here to kill him for real, to kidnap him and take him down to The Bad Place instead, and just as Hux was beginning to settle into this nice life he earned for himself. He hadn't even had a chance to try the ice cream yet!  
  
"I can explain--!"  
  
"I'm not supposed to be here," Ren blurts, cutting Hux off.  
  
They stare at each other for an awkward beat, until Hux breaks the silence: "I... I'm sorry, what?"  
  
"There was a mistake, in the system. I'm not who they think I am."  
  
"And who... are you?" Hux asks warily.  
  
"I'm Kylo Ren."

Now Hux is _really_ confused. He nods once, hoping he's giving Ren an expression along the lines of 'oh, interesting, I had no idea'. Aloud, he asks of Ren: "And who... do they think you are?"  
  
"They think I'm Ben Solo," Ren says, which does exactly nothing to abate Hux's confusion. "And I was Ben Solo. Before. But I turned to the Dark Side. I became Kylo Ren." He continues, which not only doesn't abate the confusion, but compounds it exponentially. "Their system must have stopped counting my the merit of my actions when I adopted my new identity because as Kylo Ren, I killed hundreds of people. Participated in the enslavement of entire systems. And," he pauses "... I _enjoyed_ it."  
  
Very carefully, Hux sets down his teacup. "Ren."

Ren looks up at him with pleading eyes, so unsure, and so _perfectly_ desperate.  
  
Slowly, Hux exhales through his nose. "It's all right, Ren. I'll help you."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"I promise to you, Kylo Ren, I won't breathe a word of your unscrupulous villainy to Maz," Hux tells him very gravely. "Just so long as you do everything I say, exactly as I say it."

 

-

Oh, it was even more perfect than Hux could have ever dreamed. This truly was The Good Place. Finally, a realm existed where he had the most powerful being in the galaxy under his own control, which meant that he himself was now the most powerful being in the galaxy. Oh, Hux supposed perhaps Maz or maybe even Janet still technically had more power in a larger, more ethereal sense, but here in The Good Place, Hux was going to rule the entire neighbourhood.

Apparently Ren remembers everything about defecting from his Jedi past and joining the First Order. He remembers working for them in some capacity, committing any number of atrocities, thinking himself a mercenary of sorts. Hux supposes it's not entirely inaccurate; Ren did operate outside the Order's chain of command, but what a stroke of genius that Ren can't remember ever having met Hux before. He mostly remembers the _Finalizer_ , but not Hux at all. Hux isn't quite sure yet how he's going to address their less-than-savory past interactions if Ren asks him about it, but he's sure he can lie himself out of any situation. It's gotten him this far, and this far is The Good Place! What's another eternity of deception?

Besides, the fact that Hux is here at all is _proof_ that Hux's vision and the Order's brutality was precisely what the galaxy needed. Hux had, secretly, had his occasional doubts about some of those propaganda campaigns he'd starred in, but they just _sounded_ so good, of course he feigned belief. It appears his misgivings were unfounded after all.

"Janet," Hux calls after Ren leaves.

"Yes sir, you called?" The droid says, appearing suddenly with a  _bing!_

"Tell me, is it common for one who has just passed on into this realm to forget their previous life?" He asks as he watches Ren cross the road and walk up the driveway to his own home.

"Oh, quite, sir. Memory loss is a side effect of trauma, which often occurs alongside death. It's nothing to worry about, however; the symptoms are only temporary. You should regain all memory by the end of the week."

"What?!" Hux spins around quickly, but the Janet droid seems unfazed.

"I said it's nothing to worry about, you should--"

"No, no, no, how do I _make_ it permanent? The memory loss?"

"I-- I surely don't have an answer to this. I'm only here to tell you how it works, I'm afraid, not to tell you how to make it _not_ work. Sir."

Hux sighs. An unfortunate setback. Well, no matter. If Ren's memories do, in fact, begin to resurface, Hux will simply have to do what he did best. The very thing that must have won him his place here: plan and scheme. If he did it in the mortal world, he could do it again here, where all manner of good things are easily within reach. And he will have them all.

 

=

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Hux, you delusional bench. :) Is this the slowest story of all time? Yes. And I thank you for any patience you may have while I try to figure out wtf I'm doing. I feel like it will get better if I can manage to stick with it!


End file.
